Overcome Your Internal Critic or Harasser
A Step-by-Step Guide on Vanquishing Your Inner Tormentor
The Unseen Bully at the Heart of the Matter
Bullying exists everywhere today, whether at school, work, or online. But there's one form of bullying that often flies under the radar: self-bullying. This insidious form of torment leaves countless people stranded in misery.
Self-bullying arises from the messages we absorb from our family, neighbors, and authority figures during our formative years. These messages become an integral part of our inner dialogue.
Positive input leads to self-confidence and a strong sense of self-worth, while negative or critical messages create what I call a "self-bully."
The Self-Bully is the inner critic that whispers in your ear about your inadequacies, telling you how you're not smart, capable, or worthlove; it convinces you not to try new things because you're bound to fail, and that you don't deserve love or respect.
The Self-Bully spews negativity, burdens you with guilt and shame, and always points the finger at you when things go awry, even if it wasn't your fault.
It proclaims that your successes are merely flukes, so you can't replicate them, or that you must have cheated to achieve the good results. The Self-Bully dominates, making it difficult to create fulness and success.
Sam (not his real name) is a bright, resourceful, and compassionate young man who has struggled throughout his life to find his footing. His Self-Bully was all-powerful, sowing seeds of doubt in his abilities.
Even when he achieved something praiseworthy, the Self-Bully would disallow him from taking credit, labeling his accomplishments as mere "luck" or "nothing special." His confidence was crippled, unable to grow.
Whenever he received praise or a promotion due to his hard work, he was gripped by panic and confusion, for any sign of success contradicted what his Self-Bully was telling him about himself.
Sam was trapped in this self-destructive belief system and was never going to break free.
Thankfully, he sought help. He undertook self-reflection and was finally able to recognize the Self-Bully for the deceiver and saboteur it truly was.
Sam managed to silence his internal critic. He was finally able to harness his abilities and create a better life for himself.
Part of Sam's self-work involved learning to Embrace Kindness. He learned to treat himself with empathy, forgiveness, and love, and not let the negative messages carry the day.
Embracing kindness means accepting our imperfections and recognizing our worth; understanding our flaws but acknowledging our capacity for greatness.
When Sam chose to banish his Self-Bully and Embrace Kindness, his life dramatically improved. He is infinitely happier today than he ever was.
All of us harbor a hint of our own Self-Bully.
Living in a judgmental society, it's nearly impossible to escape the barrage of criticisms that land on our appearance, character, skills, or aspirations.
Like Sam, we must heed the call to Embrace Kindness and recognize when the Self-Bully is operating. Tell it firmly: "No! You will not control me. I refuse to listen to you."
Unlike outside bullies who possess real power and can inflict physical harm, the Self-Bully is simply a disembodied voice in your head. You can see it for what it is and refuse to let it interfere with your pursuit of happiness and success.
Let's Embrace Kindness towards everyone in the face of bullying. And let's Embrace Kindness ourselves when confronted with the lesser-known issue of self-bullying.
Together, we can be stronger than our Self-Bully. We can eliminate its power over us, but not by getting irritated at it.
The way to conquer the Self-Bully is through compassion; by choosing to Embrace Kindness.
by Dr. Marcia Sirota**
Dr. Marcia Sirota is a Toronto-based board-certified psychiatrist specializing in the treatment of trauma and addiction, as well as the founder of the Ruthless Compassion Institute, whose mission is to promote the philosophy of Ruthless Compassion and in doing so, enhance the lives of people, everywhere.
Identifying Inner Bullying (Self-Bullying)
- ** Persistent Bashing:** A barrage of personal criticism, continual blaming, or feeling not good enough
- ** Harsh Personal Standards:** Perfectionism with unrealistic expectations and intolerance for personal shortcomings
- ** Chronic Self-Doubt and Fear:** Repeated anxious thoughts, fear of failure, and self-imposed limitations due to criticism
- ** Consistent Emotional Distress:** Persistent feelings of worthlessness, sadness, or low self-esteem[2][5]
- ** Isolation and Avoidance:** Shying away from social activities or turning down opportunities due to self-judgment[2]
Negative Effects on Happiness and Success
- Diminished Self-Esteem: Continual self-criticism erodes self-worth and confidence
- Heightened Stress and Anxiety: Inner bullying leads to heightened levels of stress, anxiety, and even depression[2][3][5]
- Reduced Performance: Fear of failure and self-doubt can hinder taking risks necessary for personal and professional growth
- ** Strained Relationships:** Negative self-perceptions can spill over into personal relationships, leading to conflict or isolation[3]
Overcoming the Inner Bully
- Practice Self-Compassion: Substitute emotional criticism with empathetic self-talk; treat yourself like a dear friend.
- Adopt Cognitive-Behavioral Techniques: Challenge negative thoughts by questioning their validity and reformulating them into more balanced perspectives. Therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), is highly effective for this purpose[3].
- Seek Support: Engage with support groups or trusted friends and professionals to share experiences and receive support.
- Promote Relaxation: Techniques like meditation, mindfulness exercises, or conscious breathing help manage stress and foster emotional awareness[3].
- Acknowledge Progress: Recognize and celebrate small accomplishments to build confidence and positive self-image.
- Maintain Healthy Habits: Ensure regular exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating to support overall mental well-being[3].
- Set Realistic Goals: Break huge objectives into achievable steps and accept setbacks as part of the process of growth.
Charting a New Course
Overcoming inner bullying requires time, dedication, and consistent effort. By identifying negative self-talk, practicing self-compassion, and seeking supportive environments, you can diminish the inner bully’s power and cultivate a greater sense of happiness and success[3][5].
- In their pursuit of happiness and success, individuals must recognize and confront the negative impact of self-bullying, which can be identified by persistent bashing, harsh personal standards, chronic self-doubt and fear, consistent emotional distress, and isolation.
- By adopting a culture of kindness towards oneself and incorporating techniques such as self-compassion, cognitive-behavioral therapy, support groups, relaxation practices, acknowledging progress, maintaining healthy habits, and setting realistic goals, one can silence the inner bully and foster a greater sense of mental health and wellness, thereby enhancing overall happiness and success.
