The hidden cost of emotional labour and how to balance it fairly
Emotional labour shapes how people love, connect and build communities. It involves the often unseen work of managing feelings, making daily decisions and nurturing relationships. Yet this essential effort can also become a tool for control and inequality when unevenly distributed.
The term itself was first defined in 1983 by sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild, who studied how professions like flight attendants and therapists regulate emotions as part of their jobs. Since then, the concept has expanded to include the unpaid emotional work that underpins everyday life.
Emotional labour covers a wide range of tasks, from deciding what to cook for dinner to navigating complex family dynamics. It requires skill—recognising emotions, balancing multiple needs and responding thoughtfully. These abilities don’t come naturally; they must be practiced and developed over time.
Yet this work is frequently exploited, particularly along gender lines. Messages that frame women as 'emotionally gifted' or 'better at handling feelings' reinforce unequal expectations. When one person is left to maintain the emotional environment alone, it becomes a form of subordination rather than shared responsibility.
Efforts to address this imbalance are growing. Public discussions through books like 'Mental Load' and 'Fair Play', podcasts, and social media campaigns have brought the issue into wider view. Couples therapy now often includes explicit focus on dividing emotional tasks fairly. Workplaces and policymakers are also taking steps, from promoting equal parental leave to supporting care work initiatives.
Digital tools, such as shared planning apps, help distribute responsibilities more evenly. Workshops on communication and gender roles provide practical strategies, while feminist campaigns push for broader cultural and legal change. These actions aim to name, challenge and redistribute the mental load that so often goes unnoticed.
When emotional labour is shared and reciprocated, relationships deepen and intimacy grows. Reclaiming it from exploitation means rethinking how people relate to one another—not as a one-sided duty, but as a collective practice.
The push for fairer emotional labour continues through education, policy and personal reflection. Tools like apps, therapy and workplace reforms offer concrete ways to balance the load. Recognising this work as real, skilled and necessary remains the first step toward lasting change.
